Category: Relationship

Dating an Insecure Girl

If you’re like me (and, as I’ve learned, 60% of other men) you were a dork at some point. Somewhere between being a misanthropic adolescent, and the grudgingly social guy you have to be to get along in the “real worldâ€?, you developed some insecurities too. So maybe you’ve become slightly possessive, or unsure about your looks, or you get nervous when your girlfriend has guy friends… you know, the standard panoply of male insecurities.

You’re not alone; I don’t know of too many men who don’t have these sorts of issues, large or small. It is a cruel twist of psychology, then, that the more that you like the girl you’re dating, the more you’ll want to hold onto her, and the more that these issues will manifest themselves in all manner of unattractive ways. It can get so bad that the behaviors of some women make them undatable to some men. For example, I know of men who just can’t be with a girl who has close guy friends; it makes them feel like they are less special.

Even if you’ve found your way into a relationship with a girl who doesn’t frequently trigger your insecurities, it’s bound to happen now and again. Perhaps she does it with willful knowledge, or perhaps its pure carelessness, but no matter how it happens, it causes your pulse to shoot through the roof. This can be a great opportunity for you to grow.

This opportunity becomes a necessity when you’re dating a girl with her own insecurities and trust issues. She gives you a hard time when female friends call you, wonders why you’re ignoring her if you don’t text back within five minutes, and her clinginess level is somewhere between “golden retriever hair on a black wool jacket� and “Velcro.� You put up with it all the same – you like her, you help her through it, you’re even happy to know that she values you enough that such things affect her. It makes you feel important that she thinks you’re so important.

Beware – you are in dangerous waters! This girl needs a strong man, so here is today’s lesson: being supportive of a girl’s insecurities does not entitle you to being insecure as well. In fact, this girl is less likely to put up with your insecurities than is a stronger women – she doesn’t have the emotional space.

When she acts in ways you don’t like, don’t have an emotional response. Shifting your emotional issues onto her will put too much pressure on her. Furthermore, if she begins to feel like every little thing she does upsets you, she might just break up with you and reject herself out of the relationship before you even have a chance to. This auto-rejection mechanism is much stronger in girls who have big insecurities.

So go punch through some drywall or something if you’re feeling tense.

Changing behaviors of hers that you don’t like will require a calm, rational discussion well after the behavior has occurred. Sit her down, tell her that she did something that you didn’t like. Explain why you thought the behavior was immature/not womanly/mean-spirited/etc., and how you would expect a woman like her to deal with it next time. Point out that this is something that bothers you, but that trust her to make the necessary changes. Then don’t bring it up anymore.

If her behavior changes, make sure to show your appreciation and respect for her growth.

Interestingly enough, you will begin to gain control over your own insecurities throughout this process. By proving to both your girlfriend and yourself that you can be the strong man she needs, your self-belief will begin to trump your self-doubts.

This post is part of User Generated Tuesdays. If you want to be read by 2,500+ new friends please go here. If you want to post something today check out Okdork Public. This post is written by Jonathan Hudson, professional relationship expert and helper to men world-wide.