Category: Relationship

Dating an Insecure Girl

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If you’re like me (and, as I’ve learned, 60% of other men) you were a dork at some point. Somewhere between being a misanthropic adolescent, and the grudgingly social guy you have to be to get along in the “real worldâ€?, you developed some insecurities too. So maybe you’ve become slightly possessive, or unsure about your looks, or you get nervous when your girlfriend has guy friends… you know, the standard panoply of male insecurities.

You’re not alone; I don’t know of too many men who don’t have these sorts of issues, large or small. It is a cruel twist of psychology, then, that the more that you like the girl you’re dating, the more you’ll want to hold onto her, and the more that these issues will manifest themselves in all manner of unattractive ways. It can get so bad that the behaviors of some women make them undatable to some men. For example, I know of men who just can’t be with a girl who has close guy friends; it makes them feel like they are less special.

Even if you’ve found your way into a relationship with a girl who doesn’t frequently trigger your insecurities, it’s bound to happen now and again. Perhaps she does it with willful knowledge, or perhaps its pure carelessness, but no matter how it happens, it causes your pulse to shoot through the roof. This can be a great opportunity for you to grow.

This opportunity becomes a necessity when you’re dating a girl with her own insecurities and trust issues. She gives you a hard time when female friends call you, wonders why you’re ignoring her if you don’t text back within five minutes, and her clinginess level is somewhere between “golden retriever hair on a black wool jacket� and “Velcro.� You put up with it all the same – you like her, you help her through it, you’re even happy to know that she values you enough that such things affect her. It makes you feel important that she thinks you’re so important.

Beware – you are in dangerous waters! This girl needs a strong man, so here is today’s lesson: being supportive of a girl’s insecurities does not entitle you to being insecure as well. In fact, this girl is less likely to put up with your insecurities than is a stronger women – she doesn’t have the emotional space.

When she acts in ways you don’t like, don’t have an emotional response. Shifting your emotional issues onto her will put too much pressure on her. Furthermore, if she begins to feel like every little thing she does upsets you, she might just break up with you and reject herself out of the relationship before you even have a chance to. This auto-rejection mechanism is much stronger in girls who have big insecurities.

So go punch through some drywall or something if you’re feeling tense.

Changing behaviors of hers that you don’t like will require a calm, rational discussion well after the behavior has occurred. Sit her down, tell her that she did something that you didn’t like. Explain why you thought the behavior was immature/not womanly/mean-spirited/etc., and how you would expect a woman like her to deal with it next time. Point out that this is something that bothers you, but that trust her to make the necessary changes. Then don’t bring it up anymore.

If her behavior changes, make sure to show your appreciation and respect for her growth.

Interestingly enough, you will begin to gain control over your own insecurities throughout this process. By proving to both your girlfriend and yourself that you can be the strong man she needs, your self-belief will begin to trump your self-doubts.

This post is part of User Generated Tuesdays. If you want to be read by 2,500+ new friends please go here. If you want to post something today check out Okdork Public. This post is written by Jonathan Hudson, professional relationship expert and helper to men world-wide.

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8 Responses to “Dating an Insecure Girl”

  • matt snider
    May 1st, 2007
    10:09 am

    Nice article… guys, if you want to feel really insecure, date a stripper. Nothing like a girl who shakes her naked ass to a bunch of horny guys every night, to make you feel like less than a man. Plus, strippers have more insecurities than a barrel of monkeys.

  • andre nosalsky
    May 1st, 2007
    12:57 pm

    ” If her behavior changes, make sure to show your appreciation and respect for her growth.”

    - Very good point Jon, reinforce what you want to see more of, and give her a negative feedback on the bad behavior.

  • Joel Mueller
    May 1st, 2007
    2:55 pm

    I’ve been friends with a chic for over 12 years. A couple of years ago she got married to a guy who I know through mutual (trustworthy) friends. Recently I wanted to hang out with her at a small pub or even a coffee shop — do a 1-on-1 like back in the day when we could get real with each other.

    Unfortunately, I got a message from her that she needs to protect her marriage and she fears hanging out with me could create issues between her and her husband.

    Basically, she pulled trump on me, and the only avenue I can see that is respectful is to let her go — let our friendship go. After so many years of building up trust, this is what happens.

    Now I sit and wonder what it was that created that fear in her. And why she went to such extremes. Is it her insecurities about herself around me? If so, I would never let her cross the line and disrespect her husband. Is it her husband, controlling her social situations with other guys? If so, it seems very strange, and his friends and also some of my friends — total respect in those circles. Is it me? Surely I haven’t crossed the line with her, and years and years of building up a solid friendship should speak volumes to……..insecurities?

    Is fear rightfully being the controlling factor here?

  • joe
    May 1st, 2007
    4:28 pm

    interesting article. it makes an extremely difficult concept seem less so. i wonder if it is an “easier said than done” kind of issue, however.

    about joel’s situation: have you ever considered that it’s not about fear, but rather about simplicity? much like the girl who will self-reject out of a relationship thereby eradiacting the possibility of it coming to it’s own natural demise, her choice to end the friendship could have been essentially her choice to eliminate the possibility of discomfit or misunderstanding. in the end, she valued her marriage over any potential problems – whether they would have happened or not, she didn’t give them the opportunity. it’s sad to think of simulaneously cutting oneself off to both disaster/failure and growth/success, “baby with the bathwater” and all, but i suppose that’s her choice.

  • sri
    May 1st, 2007
    8:45 pm

    Joel,

    Could it be ur 15 inch boner?

    Im kidding. That sure sux.

  • Mike Paahana
    July 10th, 2008
    8:55 pm

    my gf is such a head case she would win the number 1 spot 4 being the most insecure, selfish girl in Hawaii

  • Vincent
    June 21st, 2009
    8:54 pm

    Hey Matt,

    I’ll see your stripper’s insecurities – and raise you to a call girl’s. Stupid me, thought I could help her with her problems. Yes I paid for her at first then we started going out… we of course had the eventual fight, and she just couldn’t recognize that everyone has fights… she thought I was just another “f-ed up” guy. Like I’m supposed to just go “ok” when she tells me she wants to get into porn…

    Anyway, hope your experience was less draining then mine was. And here’s to normal girls!!!

    Vincent

  • Philippine Dating
    January 29th, 2010
    2:15 am

    Yup I agree that there are a lot of insecure girls there, most of them are really pretty.

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