10 Best Ways to Quit Your Job

November 1, 2005 - Get free updates of new posts here

You know all those really great scenes in movies or tv shows where one of the characters decides that they’ve had enough with their placcid little job and end up quitting? Well, it got me thinking, if I was ever fed up with a job, or just downright wanted to quit, I’d want to end it with a bang. (Keep in mind this is NOT how I quit Mint;  you can read WHY I quit here.) So I came up with the best ways to quit a job:

I quit middle finger
10 Best Ways to Quit Your Job

1. Do it the OG (orginal gangster….or as I like to say, gangsta) way:

Bust into your boss’s office, proclaim that you quit in a voice that could be heard for miles and walk out victoriously.

2. Go to work naked:

Haven’t you ever wanted to see what would happen if you went to work naked? Well then go ahead! When your boss comes up to fire you, one up him and pronounce that you quit. Killing two birds with one skantily clad stone. (Read my post “I got naked 3 times last weekend”. It won’t teach how to quit your job, but it might give you the courage to quit.)

3. Sleep at your desk:

Again, the prospect of openly sleeping at your desk must be appealing. Then go for it! Just remember to have the upper hand, never let your boss speak first. But even if the mistakes occurs, after he tells you that you’re fired, stand up angrily, look him in the eye and say “I’M FIRED? NO, YOU’RE FIRED!” and walk out triumphantly. Here are the top 10 ways to look busy at your job if you don’t want to quit, but you don’t want to work.

4. Make a move on your boss:

Whether your boss is hott or not, it’s the principle of the matter. Do a nice little whistle and maybe combo it with a hearty ass grab; you and your coworkers will get a nice kick out of it and then you can kindly pronounce that you quit. It’s a win win situation. Just be careful of office sexual harrasment laws, but really, who pays attention to those anyway?

5. Go Vaudeville on a VERY IMPORTANT, prospective client:

When you meet said client, have one of those joy buzzers ready and raring in your hand. One, two punch it with a nice water squirting pocket flower, but instead of squirting water make sure it squirts black ink onto his very expensive suit. It’ll score you major cool points in the ofice and then you can tell TWO people that you quit. The more the merrier.

6. Babysit at work:

Start a babysitting company and pick 10 of the most annoying and whiny 3 year olds of the bunch to take with you to work one day. Let them run a muck, bothering everyone by crying and releasing bodily fluids. Come on, that’s just genious! Then as your boss looks at you while a terrible two year old is hanging from his hair, smile and politely tell him that you quit. A good addinage would be to point out the spit up that is probably laying on his shoudler.

7. Call prostitutes in to your office:

Have about 5 dominatrix, leather bound woman come into your work, and go to your door. After having made sure your boss has spotted the “fun brigade” going into your office, shut the door and proceed to make blatantly loud sexual noises. Come out disheveled, and sweaty and pay them all in front of your boss. Give him a nice little wink and offer one of them to him and them tell him the great news. “I just don’t have enough stamina for the job, I quit.”

8. Bring your “home-made” movies to watch in the coffee room:

Sitdown while everyone is having lunch and plop in a nice tape of you and whoever doing the nasty. Make sure to sit and critique yourself like an oplympic judge; “Oh yeah that landing could have been much tighter,” or “Man I just wasn’t up to par that night.” Once news spreads to your boss, make sure to offer him a viewing of the tapes before you give him your two weeks notice.

9. Burn the place down over your stapler:

Bring in a broken stapler and make a raucous when it doesn’t seem to work. Start banging it on your desk and cuss it out. Finally when you’ve had enough, take out your strategically placed tank of gasoline and pour it all over the stapler and hence whatever is around it i.e. your desk and the floor. Light a match and watch the show. When the fireworks are over, look very satisfied, go up to your boss and proclaim that you can’t put up with the lack of proper equipment in the office and walk out.

10. Do it Edward Norton Style:

Must I even reiterate. We have all seen the famous scene in “Fight Club” where Edward Norton’s character walks in to his boss’s office and beats himself up to the pulp, only to be found begging mercilesly for his boss to stop when the police arrives. He ends up with full pay and anything he wants from the office forever, without ever having to lift a finger again. It takes balls, but the outcome is well worth it.

Bonus. Automate it with an Out of Office Message:

If you don’t have the balls to quit face to face, let your technology do the work for you. Use these out of office replies to get a reaction and a new job.